Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 1648 times)

Shrimp

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2020, 12:56:33 PM »
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.  The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."

Shrimp

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2020, 12:57:39 PM »
"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #17 on: October 26, 2020, 07:50:18 PM »
A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.  The engine was fixed!  Seven days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.  "What?!" the owners said. "You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill."

The reply simply said:
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #18 on: October 26, 2020, 07:52:30 PM »
Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then says, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2020, 10:48:25 AM »
TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

~ Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

~ Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

~ We put the "k" in "kwality."

~ A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

~ If at first you don't succeed, try management.

~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

~ Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

~ The beatings will continue until morale improves.

~ Hang in there retirement is only thirty years away!

~ Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

~ A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.

~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

~ You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

~ Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2020, 10:49:13 AM »
HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AT THE OFFICE WITHOUT DOING MUCH

Here's your guide to calorie-burning activities and calories burned per hour:

Beating around the bush 75
Making mountains out of mole hills 500
Jumping to conclusions 100
Swallowing your pride 50
Passing the buck 25
Throwing your weight around 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels 100
Pushing your luck 250
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Bending over backwards 75
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Balancing the books 200
Running in circles 350
Eating crow 225
Tooting your own horn 25
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Pulling out the stops 75
Adding fuel to the fire 160
Wrapping it up 12
Putting your foot in your mouth 300
Starting the ball rolling 90
Going over the edge 25
Picking up the pieces 350
Counting eggs before they hatch 6
Calling it quits 2

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #21 on: November 29, 2020, 10:50:43 AM »
While out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful.  "In ten years," I began, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."

Carolyn shrugged, "That's okay, because in ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

Auntie Cee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: December 01, 2020, 07:26:16 PM »
TURKEY LEFTOVERS
By W. Bruce Cameron

Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate.  Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.)  But take Thanksgiving my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours.  "Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering.

I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under. 

Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months.  (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes."

I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development.  As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time.  Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it."

Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey.

Pippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: December 06, 2020, 02:22:08 PM »
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Lost Mother

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2020, 11:13:55 AM »
A man went to his doctor and said, "Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse."

The doctor asked the man to look out the window. "Tell me what you see," he said, pointing.

"I see the sun," the man replied.

The doctor turned to him and asked, "Just how much farther do you want to see?"

Lost Mother

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: December 09, 2020, 11:18:47 AM »
WISE COMMANDMENTS

Thou shall not worry; for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

Thou shall not be fearful; for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them; for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shall face each problem as it comes; you can only handle one at a time anyway.

Thou shall not take problems to bed with you; for they make very poor bedfellows.

Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone; concentrate on what is happening in your life and be content now.

Thou shall be a good listener; for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. (It's hard to learn something new when you're always talking.)

Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration; for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with moving forward.

Thou shall count thy blessings; never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

Auntie Cee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: December 31, 2020, 02:40:04 PM »
THINGS I LEARNED FROM SCOOBY DOO
By Steve Higgs

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

10. Avoid using words like doobie and munchies it might give people the wrong idea.

Auntie Cee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: December 31, 2020, 02:49:46 PM »
A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience.  "It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, his dad asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' All that, Daddy, for only 25 cents?!?!"

Auntie Cee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: December 31, 2020, 02:51:54 PM »
A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

"Wow," said the kid. "Does it hurt the mother, too?"

Auntie Cee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2021, 02:57:18 PM »
https://www.funny-ladies.com/2021/03/joke-of-today-four-men-waiting-in.html?m=0

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"

"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"

A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"

"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.

"I work for 7 Up!"